i need to qualify for the severity of my previous post…after i re-read, i realised how terrible a picture i’ve painted (altho’ recently it does feel like that!), but rest assured that its definitely not utterly doom & gloom. i just wanted to share the real picture, that i am not the picture perfect mom that i believe most might think i am.

and coming back to the main subject – the kid. he is a wonderful kid, more than wonderful actually. whoever he has been, he is still. mostly, at the core of him. he is fun to be with, humorous, cracked me up to no end. he is extremely independent, if left on his own (nono, i’m not contemplating that), he could easily manage on his own (except that he might have to eat just bread, biscuits or milk for all meals). additionally, he likes to help out with chores sometimes. he is one sensitive soul who’s able to empathise greatly at times. he constantly amazes me with his quirky, witty ways.

just that the occurences of attention-seeking, tantrums and crying have increased greatly. where previously he could play quietly on his own for a substantial amount of time, now he’s always asking for activities to do & things to play together. he sings all day long, which i adore & enjoy, but he sings very loudly which irritates me. he chatters loudly, makes loud noises almost uncessantly. he asks on average about 436 ‘whys’ in a single day, more if there’s no school. i find myself desperately craving for a void in my cluttered mind full of voices, noises all day long, hoping to have an oasis of peace & quietness, albeit for just a minute. (right now, with the piling works going on right NEXT to me by day & funeral chantings RIGHT at ground floor by night, my mind’s about to explode any min!). where previously he readily follows instructions & sticks to rules, he questions every single instruction given to him now.

the kid is growing. he is learning to assert himself, to develop his unique identity. he is testing out all that he’s been taught. and that is a good thing, a very good thing. it is a necessary stage. a trying stage but a necessary and important one. a stage that started since he’s 2 and will continue (in different degree & manifestation) all the way till teenage years. the constant testing of values & stuffs that he’s learning from his folks. all necessary and important. but very challenging. O yes, he is growing up and growing up fast.

so maybe part of me is frustrated and lost because i don’t wish him to grow up so fast. he seems to grow up faster than i can say “hello there”, ok maybe “hippopotamus”. faster than i can cope. and then i get more frustrated & disappointed at myself for not being able to embrace these changes and even more upset with myself that i’m not applying the knowlegde i know of child development, parenting skills, etc. O yes, i am hard on myself. friends have told me i’ve set a very high bar for myself as a parent. i’ve been told to take it easy, relax, all parents go thru’ the same stuffs. that i don’t have to whipped myself hard & think i’m a lousy mom. well-meaning advice which i appreciate, which i agree to certain extent. but i want to continue to set a high bar for myself. to be the ideal calm & cool parent that i’ve always aim to be (even before i was married) and thought that i can be. i should because my child deserves it. because i do not want to shortchange my child.

every child seeks for attention. ALL. THE. TIME. negative attention, positive attention, they seek them all. they can’t take NO attention at all. and when a child feels right, he acts right. when he acts out, something must be missing. there’s no problematic child, but its always the parenting that’s problematic. in all my counselling cases, these pointers always hold true. the kid’s tantrums, acting-out behaviour do not reflect who he is but the emotions he is experiencing. they are in fact reflecting what i am doing or not doing. or rather being or not being. not being focused on him, not been giving him positive attention, not been filling up his emotional tank, not being patient & calm with him, not being tolerant of his mistakes and not being encouraging enough. it is all the more important and crucial during such times that i know my own kid & remember the good things about him.   

O remember the core of who he is, beyond the behaviour he is displaying.