in the previous post, I mentioned we’ve decided to go for an elective caesarean birth for SB. as to why, i’ll have to talk about the son’s birth story. what? I kinda started to reconnect with the world only about 6 months after his birth, to take me about 5 years to finally write down his birth story, I think that’s not too bad…anyways, i’ll do a brief one, here it goes:

I was still furiously cleaning in my nest, late into the night, on 4th dec 2008, cleaning my accessories & stuffs on my dresser, to be precise. maybe about past midnite. I can’t remember what the joke was, but the husb made me laughed so hard while I was finishing up the cleaning. soon after, we retired for the night, and the following day was supposed to be the start of my leave, 10 days before the edd.

about 2am,  I woke up, needing to pee, and that’s when my waterbag burst & water leaked out. I woke the husb up, told him I think this was it. we were actually quite calm about it, considering it was our 1st & the fact that my waterbag had burst (you’re supposed to head down to hosp asap when waterbag burst in contrast to if you’re just experiencing contractions.)

we packed up the remaining essentials into the hospital bag, called for a cab & headed down to the hosp, reached about 3am. seriously, can’t remember the details in between, but I just remembered by the time I was hooked up to the different machines, monitors, my contractions suddenly became very frequent & intense. while trying to drift in & out of rest, strong contractions kept waking me up, midwives repeatedly trying to ‘promote’ the laughing gas to me (literally!! they said something, like, ‘c’mon la, try it la, it’ll make you feel good, just try la!’). finally, I grabbed the darn thing after it was being shoved in my face for the umpteenth time so to end the sales pitch. one fateful sniff didn’t send me to the moon, but sent my face into the puke pan twice!! the smell was awwwwwful!!!

anyways, to cut the rest of the story short. I went into labour hoping that I wont need any intervention of pain relief cos I pride myself as someone with pretty high threshold of pain but in the end, took all 3. bleah. i had a terrible anesthesiologist who was cranky & grumbling throughout (hello, who is in labour here???!!!). i was already 7cm dilated (i think?!?) when he administered the epidural. i can’t remember how long i reached 10cm. but after i reached full dilation, i pushed for over an hour but the son hasn’t even descended at all from the cervix. the midwives who monitored his fetal heartbeat commented earlier that he’s a happy fellow, very relaxed up there, seemed no intention to come down *_*

so the gynae suggested an emergency c-sect since the son’s not even down from the cervix to the birth canal. so off i went to the operating theatre & got cut up. after about 12hrs since I went in to the hosp. and i got cut up still under epidural & i kid you not, i could feel some sensation, especially when i was being sewn up. anyways, at one point, things got pretty violent. the gynae was trying to yank the son out from my belly & another doc appeared above my head & started pushing the top of my belly, very violently. afterwards, i was told by the PD that the kid has unusually broad shoulders, hence the yanking & pushing. and it was such a blessing in disguise that i didn’t give birth vaginally, otherwise his collarbone will most probably get stuck & that won’t be good for both of us.

so this is the birth story of asher. and in view of these factors & circumstances of my 1st birth history, it is most likely that i’m too small a frame to be able to give birth vaginally, granted that asher wasn’t considered a big baby. so the chances of me having a vbac (vaginal birth after c-section) is very low.  plus the risk of wound rupture, in which case we’d need to take the baby out within 3mins, if not, we’ll lose the baby. too much at stake. seems too high a stress.

well, i had been pondering if i should really try for vbac. my own sister had a successful vbac with her 2nd child. but of course, the factors for her 1st c-sect are different from mine. i discussed with my core groupie, asked around, had some quiet time to pray, reflect & seek God in this. the conclusion i came to was it isn’t as crucial for me to experience a vaginal birth as much as the safety of the bun. yes, i was utterly disappointed that i had an emergency c with the 1st, but when i asked myself if there is a need for me to experience this time round, my answer is no. and i had the peace with that decision.

i had also been reading people’s opinions about childbirths, etc. there are many people who expressed the strong notion that they believed God made women’s bodies such that we are capable of giving birth ‘naturally’. some women prayed for a supernatural birth and supernatural birth they had. God is capable of delivering these scenarios, no doubt about it. but does it mean that if everything I wished for didn’t come to pass, means that I have lesser faith or that God favour me less? or does that mean that i’m less of a mother & my son who was born of c-sect will experience more trauma, etc.? is a c-sect birth any less ‘natural’ than a vaginal birth? these messages & notions are all around, whether intentionally or not, they make 1st-time moms like me whose labour turned out the exact opposite of what she expected or wished for feel bad, really bad. even for a confident & strong person like me. in the face of postpartum blues, recovery pains & all the raging hormones. I felt like a failure hearing these messages. to the extent that for the 1st few weeks, I didn’t dare to care for my newborn, thinking that i’m not a capable mom. until a dear friend jolted me & reminded me that i’m a good mom, I know how to handle babies, he is my own son, I know how to handle him.

throughout this whole gruelling process of considering the different factors, risks, wishes, desires, i’ve learnt & be reminded that whether it’s natural birth or c-sect, there’s not a single doubt that God is present in every situation, that a most precious gift of life was given 🙂 i had long drawn postnatal blues partly cos i thot (and read) tat my body was supposed to be made to be able to give birth naturally, if tat didn’t happened means something is wrong or maybe my faith is not strong enough to believe but tat is so not true…i thank God tat He’s given me the privilege to carry a precious life in me & i have a son to enjoy & nurture & another one coming, c-sect or otherwise ;D