never, ever once did it cross my mind that I would attend a peer’s wake. at least not a close, dear friend.

but I did. a month ago. it was sudden. delivered by her husband at around 2a.m, where I only saw the text message at about 6am when I woke to feed the baby. the husb asked if it was a joke. O how I wish it was. but I went and left the wake with the harsh reality that I were to never ever see her again.

I was told the cause of death is depression. just leave it as that, her husb said. full of unanswered questions. what did she do? why did it happen? how did it happen? how can this happen? who could have prevented this? what could have been done? why didn’t she come talk to me? why couldn’t she talk to anyone? why were there no other ways? why was God not enough for her? why didn’t she cling on to the hope that never runs out? how could she? these questions and more flooded my mind throughout the wake and the days after. emotions of anger, sadness overwhelmed me. why did she have to choose such a drastic measure, one where there’s no turning back?

memories of times spent together flashed in the mind in snippets. places we’ve hung out, things we’ve done together, jokes & laughter we shared. sometimes tried as hard as I could to remember her delightful smiley face with droopy precious’-moments- eyes, all I see is her cold expressionless face in the coffin.

ambiguous loss. sudden, ambiguous loss. that is one of the hardest one can experience. full of unanswered questions. I’ve stopped asking those questions. I want to lay them down at God’s feet.

I want to only remember the good times we’ve spent together throughout our 14years of friendship, how much fun we had together, the laughs, the heart-to-heart chats. I want to keep the memory of how great a friend she’s been, the big heart she’s got & the wonderful person she was. till then, my friend, till then.