the last 2 months had been a whirlwind, wild rollercoaster ride and many times, i found myself deep down at the miry pit. i thought i was gonna be stuck at the bottomest and not get out at all…
long story cut short, everything seemed to have gone wrong, my marital relationship, relationship with my son, things are falling apart at home, etc…too many issues overwhelmed me and choked me till i couldn’t breathe sometimes, figuratively & literally. the husb said i’m not me during this period, he thinks fatigue is the culprit. yes, what’s new? it is the PLMD again, the symptoms struck furiously after i came back from bali, resulted after a whole series of issues & situations i needed to attend to.
but i’m glad to report that i’m out of the miry pit at this present moment, hoping to stay out of it for long: below is the account of my recent precious date with God that brought me out of the pit:
i was at the beach, had a much needed time of solitude in the outdoors, with God. being around nature makes me feel nearer to God, makes me hear God clearer. i sat on the breakwater thats some distance away from the beach, i was still and quiet, just watching the blue sky, white clouds, and the waves beating at the breakwater, trying to allow my turbulent heart to be calmed. after awhile, i realised i was stoning, my exhausted body just shut off automatically. it was then that i spotted a kite/eagle flying in the sky just above me. it was circling for awhile before it started gliding freely. it looked so relaxed, so free.
a scene in LOTR (return of the king) flashed in my head. after frodo & sam “completed” their quest in destroying the ring at mordor, they thought they were going to die as they laid, entirely spent, on the rocks with volcanic lava burning hot around them. the next thing we know, they were lying on the backs of 2 eagles carrying them to safety. i was totally spent, i thought i wasn’t going to go on any further. i thought every part of me is falling apart. but at the very moment, i felt free and relaxed as i was carried & safely tucked under God’s wings. i remembered God’s invitation, “come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (matt 11:28). i only need to go to Him and just lean on Him.
the verse that came to me several times for the past weeks and again is, “this is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel , says: “in repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength,..” (Isaiah 30:15). i need to rest, i need to be quiet, i need to be calm, i need to trust. in replace of the turmoil & turbulence, worry & fears. i need to learn to be in the eye of the storm, where i can remain completely calm & still in the midst of storms around me. i have been allowing the crashing waves & storms to drown God’s voice. i need to be still and know that God is God, to hear His voice over the waves & storms.
i need to remember that pruning & refining is necessary in the process of becoming more like Christ. and i want to learn to embrace, and not just accept the will of God for me. i want to be able to say to myself, “consider it pure joy, whenever i face trials of many kinds, because i know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that i may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (james 1:2-3)
this constant thorn in my flesh has been tormenting me endlessly, yet at the same time, it has drawn me closer to God, knowing Him in a deeper way, connecting with Him more intimately. recognising this and remembering to keep this in perspective, i want to be able to say like Paul said, “what is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ” (philippians 3:8).
after hearing so much from God that day, i promised myself that i will no longer say things like, “i can’t help it” or “i can’t control my emotions”, all attribute to PLMD. i will no longer be plagued with thoughts of “oh gosh, i’m so tired” or “oh i didn’t sleep well again, i’ll be cranky the whole day” in the morning when i wake. i will try to commit my thoughts to God, take captive every thought & make it obedient to Christ (2 cor 10:5)
all tis easier said than done, its been a week since that day and still every morning it is a battle of the spirit and the body. the joy & strength i have for each day are not mine, they’re desperately-prayed for, they’re God’s. and God delivers His faithfulness that are new every morning as i make sure i took time to submit my nothing to Him. He supplies and He multiplies. He fills and overflows. He enables and He empowers.
my body may be wasting away, it might collapse one day from exhaustion, my mind might snapped because of my burnt-out brain . but i want to stay focused on what lies ahead, to look heavenward, one day when i’m with the Lord, i can don’t sleep but feel no tinge of tiredness 🙂
i’m not there yet, i’ll still fall & slip but i will keep the faith!
O, how i need to lean so hard on God!