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hiatus

wow,  i hadn’t realised it has been that long since i was here.

so many stuff had happened, and so many are still happening.

to sum up in a few pointers (hopefully!) in a year or beyond:

Roles   

the roles have changed so much over the last 2 years or so that i…erm…am kinda speechless. the husb has gone from a full-time teacher to a sahd (stay-at-home-dad) to copywriting in an ad agency that knows no day & night, to PR to now toggling 2 contract/freelance jobs. for myself, i’ve gone from being a sahm to doing all kinda jobs – wedding dresses, parenting workshops/talks, coaching sessions, dogs-walking, cleaning houses, surveys, prison work (while still maintaining the role of a full-time sahm). currently i’m still doing wedding dresses, workshops/talks, coaching sessions, surveys and starting prison work soon, and of course full-time sahm remains, along with it another whole array of roles. the husb and i have been running the race of relays, passing the baton in childcare tasks, and working. even 48hours wouldn’t seem to be enough.

Little people                                                                                                                                 

the little people in the family are…not so little anymore. they are fast growing little men with voracious appetites. the 9 y/o young man are in his prematured pre-teens stage where everything needs to be COOOOL, and he is bored the minute he doesn’t have anything to do. like we can wait for a bus, and once his butt touches the seat on the bus, immediately he’ll announce, “ok, what shall we talk about now or what shall we play now! (not a question actually, but an exclamation in booming voice) otherwise i’m sooooo BORED”. well, this young man is doing very well in school (too well, in this bochap mom’s opinion! too moe-moulded!), loved by teachers. he’s always been a very eager learner. times when he doesn’t act like a toddler/baby, and doesn’t act like a teenager, i see a fine young gentleman who takes care of his family, negotiates well, still as joyful as ever, operates confidently in the world and shows compassion in his heart.

as for the lil’ bun, once language found its way in his mouth, he’s been an immensely delightful chatterbox who articulates almost every word with precision. he’s extremely sociable and friendly as well, saying hi to neighbours from afar, hi to people in general, asks and make requests politely and confidently. the lil’ bun is not in school, as yet, altho’ he expressed interest in going to the same school as the bro, only at p3 😉 he does almost everything in an exuberant fashion, from climbing around the house, to doing kickabouts, to singing, laughing, chatting, and oh smelling, yes, this kid smells deep-sniffs EVERYTHING. literally STICKING his nose right into whatever, takes a deep sniff and a few more shallow sniffs before he’s done examining whatever. always crack me up. this kid is nuts about cuddles, always asking for cuddles, long cuddles on the bed and on the sofa, requesting me to stop whatever i’m doing and let’s cuddle. cuddles in the kitchen while im stirring soup, or chopping garlic, cuddles after shower, while still wrapped in his towel, cuddles after he hurt himself, cuddles while he’s laughing his head off. cuddles all day long, anytime, anywhere, anyhow. sometimes in addition, request of tickles.

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so during waking hours, i’m busy with chores, cooking, meeting with brides, sketching designs, playing and doing stuff with the kiddos, preparing/running workshops, talks, meetings, courses. exhausting, draining, i feel like i’m constantly runnin’ on treadmill at fast speed. well, hopefully i can get back on blogging after this, and not another year till my next post. till then! Continue reading

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dearest z,

it’s been almost 2 years since you were gone. I started thinking about you very often recently, not that you were ever far from my thoughts during these 2 years.

there were increasing reports of suicide cases, talks of depression. it is good that more are coming out of their closets to share about their experiences in depression, it is becoming less of a stigma. and it is really good that more awareness is raised, and more understanding is achieved of this giant monster that can be so difficult to shoo away. we both know it so well. maybe that is why I started thinking about you again, started asking questions again. those same questions that I asked when I saw you in the brown box, and at this point, still trying hard to find answers. I thought I’ve surrendered these questions to God, I thought I’ve laid them all down at His feet. I guess they hang around, and creep up from time to time.. ambiguous loss that occurred suddenly is always painful, very painful esp. when I don’t know why, how, where and when, esp. when there are so much should haves, could haves, and what ifs. after 2 years, I still couldn’t believe that you were gone, gone for good. i’m starting to think that perhaps i’ll never come to a resolution, but maybe that’s ok, maybe there are just no resolution for some things in life. I felt better, in fact relieved to accept that I don’t need answers, I don’t need to resolve this.

you’d have wished me to forget the pain of losing you, you’d wished for me to let time heal the pain, move on, and fade in my memory and thoughts of you. but how can I? when I went to watch a play at the NLB, I remembered watching spectacular fireworks with you & E. when I went to AX, I remembered the time we met up for a jog. when I passed by WC, I remembered the times I visited you at your place. that day with PM event at the mall near my place, I thought of you. I even thought I saw faces among the crowd that look like you. there are memories of you everywhere. how can you ever fade in my memory? our friendship has left a permanent branding on me.

after coming across this post, I had new insights while trying to make sense of your death. and thinking back of the periods I myself had depression, I think I can finally have closure on the ‘why’. the why depression took you. my questions had been how could you leave a world where you could easily find delight in the littlest of things. how could you leave behind the people whom you loved so much, whom you devoted your 200%. how could you have given up on your own life when you see the good in everyone and see lives as precious. but you could because depression had you believed that you made this world a less pleasant place, it had you believed that the people whom you love will be happier without you, it had you believed the world is a better place without you. you could because you want to make this world better again, you want to make the people whom you love happier. it is always in you to make the world a better place, to make people around you happier. you would want to be able to do anything to make life better, and to make people smile.

back in uni days, when I had my darkest period, hiding in my dark hostel room all day long, crying my eyes out,  you were the hostel mate who would press your face against my door to hear if I was still alive, even if it meant looking silly. you were the one who kept slipping notes and cards underneath my door, encouraging me to talk, assuring me that I wasn’t alone. you were the one who patiently waited outside my door with a cup of warm milk, till I was ready to open the door, and when I did, you shed tears of relief. with your soft voice asking me to drink up and sleep, and tears streaming down your cheeks, I felt comforted that a friend was willing to cry with me, and feel my pain too. you were the one who gave me the space to cry it all out and work it all out. you were the only one who cried at my wedding because you were with me at my most broken state of relationship, and your great heart was utterly moved by how God restored that brokenness in the union.

you had always been willing to do anything, anything at all to make it all better. even if it means sacrificing your life. how could I think you were being selfish. you were not. you were just trying to make things better. how could I even think that you were weak. you were not. you were strong, you were brave.

I wished that I could stand by you to fight the depression monster like you did with me, but it wasn’t enough. I wished that you had not believe what depression had you believed. because those are all not true. the world is dimmer because your great personality is not shining anymore. the people whom you loved are not happier because you are not around. the world is not better because less love goes around from your big heart. my life is less warm because you are not in it anymore.

from now till I see you again in heaven, i’ll be missing you, and loving you, z.

 

 

a moment

caught this sight in the midst of chores, and I paused, and then lingered longer to just absorb this moment. as I stared at this lil’ bun who’s growing up so fast, I can’t help  having tears welling up in my eyes, and my heart aches a lil’, yet again. it seemed like just yesterday that I was cradling a tiny wee infant who depended on me for life, sustenance, love & comfort, entirely. now he’s often seated there by himself, coloring or driving vehicles.

ah, the constant conflict a parent struggles – rejoice over milestones, and delight at the growing independence, yet heart aches for the yesterdays that have past, and missing the total reliance

sb 9

ok

he was pulled by the shirt. he was forced to kiss her. his hands were pushed away. what he was playing were constantly being snatched away. toys were periodically being stuffed in his face. his hair being pulled without a moment of warning. he was randomly pushed away suddenly. all this while, I was trying to constantly intervene but split seconds of my inattention, my poor bun was terrorised in this manner for a duration of 3hrs. and all this while, bun was trying to be a gentleman, trying to stay calm, till he took it no more, and burst in tears after his hair was pulled the 2nd, or the 3rd time. object of utter bouts of passion’s mom looking very apologetic, came to stroke his cheeks while sobbing in my arms. then came these words:

“oh its ok, its ok, you good boy right? just pulled a little bit, not very painful hor, its ok right”

my cheeks started to get hot, my heart thumping faster, and I thought fire was about to spew out of my mouth, but I found a rock stuck in my throat. I wanted to give a death stare, and just leave the scene. but I just stood there, holding my hurting, crying bun, silent, stumped for words.

IT IS NOT OK, dear mom. not ok for your daughter to terrorize my son. not ok for you to not intervene and stop her. not ok that you allow her to have these actions. not ok that she inflicts hurt. not ok to tell my son that it’s ok. not ok to dismiss my son’s emotions. I know you probably didn’t mean ill, and most likely not know how else to respond but you needed to respond. But it is still not ok to say its ok because you don’t know any better.

“it’s ok” is one of the least helpful things to say. in saying that, emotions are dismissed, feelings not acknowledged & validated, matters are just made worse. so pls if in any case, you don’t know what to say, it’ll be better to just be there. sometimes silence brings more comfort than any word can.